This idea of masculinity is interesting, and I respect you for continuing to stop when a woman tells you no. (Although just to clarify, statistically speaking only 2% of reported rapes are thought to be are false, and only about 5% of rapes are ever reported. This leaves your chances of incurring a “false rape” charge at around .0001%.)
I think this speaks a lot to the male perspective on the issue of sexual assault. While I believe you are sincere in your account of experiences with women (and their perception of what it means to be a “man”), it is important to remember two things:
1. That your sexuality, man or woman, is up to you to define. People often forget that men too experience the social pressures to conform to a certain image or conception of masculinity. If that image, in your experience, does not align with what is ethical (and LEGAL), then alter your behavior. Other people will follow – this is the nature of social change within any given society. In this way men too can help to eliminate unwanted sexual encounters.
2. That while I respect the fact that you have been put in situations that seem to promote this idea that women want to be violated, want a “real” man, this conception of sexuality is not only misguided, but dangerous. It promotes the myths surrounding rape and sexual assault that make it so difficult to address. For example, if an accused rapist says that he thought the woman had consented, he may have believed that consent is implied when a woman dresses in certain ways, drinks, goes to a man’s room, shows that she likes the man, allows him to pay for her dinner, is affectionate, is sexual in any way or is known to have been sexual in the past . Such notions have some cultural currency, and many men have been educated to embrace these prevalent myths of consent as fact. Even if an aggressor realizes on some level that a woman did not consent, he may still believe that the “politically correct” version of consent is not really important for good sex. It is often taken for granted, accepted as common knowledge, that it is the man’s role to be dominant, that women’s objections should be ignored, and that knowing that “no” really means “yes” is all “part of the game.” Such socialization cannot forgive the violation of women, of course. The point is only that one must take it into consideration to truly understand, for example, how a man can assault a woman while at the same time believing that he did nothing wrong.
There are two things I’d like to respond to in this post. One, she did mention the fact that, although she never actually said the word “no,” her body language was not that of someone giving consent. “I stared at the ceiling the whole time, occasionally flashing him the fake smile reserved for people you accidentally make eye contact with in the grocery store. I don’t think I moved the entire time, and I didn’t care if he noticed.”
Second, the idea that someone who is incapable of saying not except under extreme duress is somehow childlike is misguided to say the least. There is extensive sociological and psychological research that actually shows quite the opposite. Although scientists these days disagree about the degree to which biology affects sex roles, everyone agrees that cultural attitudes, metaphors, discourse, and beliefs exert an immense influence on how people view themselves, their relationships, and their sexuality. Overwhelming support exists that substantiates the social theory that women learn to belittle or ignore their own judgment, especially when it opposes with that of another. Women learn far more than men the significance of pleasing others, concentrating on the needs of others even to their own detriment, not hurting or embarrassing others, avoiding conflict, and not “making a scene” or embarrassing themselves.
All this socialization systematically affects how women act and react in situations that can result in sexual assault. Women who have experienced a sexual assault often reported a fear of conflict or social embarrassment prevented them from acting decisively after they had said no and were ignored. When contemplating their attack after the fact, many women even report that they simply ignored their initial sense of discomfort or danger, and as a result may have missed a chance to fight back or escape, all of which we can see in this anecdote.
While I agree with your general sentiment (not to misuse terms with both social and legal significance), I feel compelled to make a slight alteration to your definition. Yes. That may be the definition of rape in whatever dictionary you used. The offense that can be legally prosecuted, however, is not only forced sexual encounters (rape), but any act that falls under sexual assault. Sexual assault, according to the Department of Justice, is any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the EXPLICIT CONSENT of the recipient. Falling under the definition of sexual assault are sexual activities as forced sexual intercourse, forcible sodomy, child molestation, incest, fondling, and attempted rape.
This idea of masculinity is interesting, and I respect you for continuing to stop when a woman tells you no. (Although just to clarify, statistically speaking only 2% of reported rapes are thought to be are false, and only about 5% of rapes are ever reported. This leaves your chances of incurring a “false rape” charge at around .0001%.)
I think this speaks a lot to the male perspective on the issue of sexual assault. While I believe you are sincere in your account of experiences with women (and their perception of what it means to be a “man”), it is important to remember two things:
1. That your sexuality, man or woman, is up to you to define. People often forget that men too experience the social pressures to conform to a certain image or conception of masculinity. If that image, in your experience, does not align with what is ethical (and LEGAL), then alter your behavior. Other people will follow – this is the nature of social change within any given society. In this way men too can help to eliminate unwanted sexual encounters.
2. That while I respect the fact that you have been put in situations that seem to promote this idea that women want to be violated, want a “real” man, this conception of sexuality is not only misguided, but dangerous. It promotes the myths surrounding rape and sexual assault that make it so difficult to address. For example, if an accused rapist says that he thought the woman had consented, he may have believed that consent is implied when a woman dresses in certain ways, drinks, goes to a man’s room, shows that she likes the man, allows him to pay for her dinner, is affectionate, is sexual in any way or is known to have been sexual in the past . Such notions have some cultural currency, and many men have been educated to embrace these prevalent myths of consent as fact. Even if an aggressor realizes on some level that a woman did not consent, he may still believe that the “politically correct” version of consent is not really important for good sex. It is often taken for granted, accepted as common knowledge, that it is the man’s role to be dominant, that women’s objections should be ignored, and that knowing that “no” really means “yes” is all “part of the game.” Such socialization cannot forgive the violation of women, of course. The point is only that one must take it into consideration to truly understand, for example, how a man can assault a woman while at the same time believing that he did nothing wrong.
There are two things I’d like to respond to in this post. One, she did mention the fact that, although she never actually said the word “no,” her body language was not that of someone giving consent. “I stared at the ceiling the whole time, occasionally flashing him the fake smile reserved for people you accidentally make eye contact with in the grocery store. I don’t think I moved the entire time, and I didn’t care if he noticed.”
Second, the idea that someone who is incapable of saying not except under extreme duress is somehow childlike is misguided to say the least. There is extensive sociological and psychological research that actually shows quite the opposite. Although scientists these days disagree about the degree to which biology affects sex roles, everyone agrees that cultural attitudes, metaphors, discourse, and beliefs exert an immense influence on how people view themselves, their relationships, and their sexuality. Overwhelming support exists that substantiates the social theory that women learn to belittle or ignore their own judgment, especially when it opposes with that of another. Women learn far more than men the significance of pleasing others, concentrating on the needs of others even to their own detriment, not hurting or embarrassing others, avoiding conflict, and not “making a scene” or embarrassing themselves.
All this socialization systematically affects how women act and react in situations that can result in sexual assault. Women who have experienced a sexual assault often reported a fear of conflict or social embarrassment prevented them from acting decisively after they had said no and were ignored. When contemplating their attack after the fact, many women even report that they simply ignored their initial sense of discomfort or danger, and as a result may have missed a chance to fight back or escape, all of which we can see in this anecdote.
While I agree with your general sentiment (not to misuse terms with both social and legal significance), I feel compelled to make a slight alteration to your definition. Yes. That may be the definition of rape in whatever dictionary you used. The offense that can be legally prosecuted, however, is not only forced sexual encounters (rape), but any act that falls under sexual assault. Sexual assault, according to the Department of Justice, is any type of sexual contact or behavior that occurs without the EXPLICIT CONSENT of the recipient. Falling under the definition of sexual assault are sexual activities as forced sexual intercourse, forcible sodomy, child molestation, incest, fondling, and attempted rape.