I pointed out in my response that BOTH partners should do this, not just the man, and that I have asked my guy before. Whoever wants to escalate the situation should be the one to ask. Asking doesn’t have to be an awkward negotiation. It’s a quick exchange that takes 5 seconds and can even enhance the sexiness of the situation. Instead of approaching sex as “I’ll just push and push and push until my partner indicates “no” or gives in,” we should approach sex as “I really want to have sex. And I also really want my partner to want to have sex without feeling pressured. They may not want to make the situation awkward by saying “no,” so I’m going to ask them what they want.”
Asking isn’t the onus of the guy. It’s the responsibility of the person (guy or woman) who wants to escalate the situation. There are times my guy hasn’t wanted to have sex because he was stressed, tired, etc. If I hadn’t asked him, I wouldn’t have known. Asking is the only way to know what someone wants since, as you pointed out, we can’t read each other’s minds. Instead of pushing, pushing, pushing until someone says (or indicates) “no” or gives in, we should approach sex as: I want to have sex. And I really want my partner to have sex without feeling like I’m pressuring them in any way. So I’m going to ask instead of pushing until they say “no.” In the end, I’d rather be safe than sorry by asking. And asking CAN be sexy. I think it’s a total turn-on when my guy asks me. If you still think that asking is un-sexy, it’s not as un-sexy (or rapey) as just assuming that the other person wants the same thing as you do and then pushing them too far.
How come it’s the responsibility of the woman to not drink in order to protect herself? While I think responsible drinking is important, I don’t think that’s the main take-away here. Instead of telling women not to drink and then blaming them when someone takes advantage of them, how about we tell men to not take advantage of drunk women? Someone who is wasted, black-out drunk, etc, they cannot give consent. Someone should not take advantage of that for their own immediate gratification.
Whoever is advancing the physical/sexual situation (in this case a man) should ask their partner whether they want to as well. This is how we currently approach sex: Keep pushing for what you want until the other person says no or gives in. How we should approach it: I really want to have sex. But I really need to make sure that’s what my partner wants too. There’s no way for me to read their mind. So I’m going to ask.
I agree that girls need to speak up. But guys also need to ASK. Everyone is saying that girls need to speak up because guys cannot read our minds. That’s really problematic because it’s saying that the guy should just push and push and push until the girl either says no or gives in. How we should approach sex is: We want our partners to want sex just as much as we do. The only way we can know if our partner wants sex is by ASKING. If my partner gives me anything less than enthusiastic, affirmative consent, then I’m not going to push them. Because their security and happiness is more important than my short-term gratification.
Actually, there is a way for guys to know what we want without having to read our minds. It’s called ASKING. It clears up any gray areas by preventing the situation from escalating without the other person wanting it to. It also makes the sex hotter because you know that both partners really want it.
Under some state law definitions, this would be rape. In these definitions, the person who is advancing the sexual relations must ASK their partner for consent and receive consent before proceeding from one physical/sexual act to another. I’m not going to tell you how you should label or not label your experience. I’m just saying that, under some definitions, it could be identified as rape. What’s perhaps more important than the nitty gritty of legal definitions of rape is how we talk about sex, consent, and responsibility and how we approach it in real life. It seems like a lot of the commenters are saying “this scenario is definitely not rape, the woman should have indicated that she didn’t want to have sex.” To them I ask: why is it just the woman’s responsibility to say no? Why isn’t it the man’s responsibility to ask their partner if she wants to have sex? (Btw, this could also be vice versa when it comes to gender. It’s just that in the scenario in the article, the man was the one making the advances.) Instead of approaching sexual relations in a way where the advancer keeps on physically pushing their partner until they say no or give in, we should approach sex as a platform of respect and mutual ENTHUSIASTIC consent where each partner makes sure that the other is both comfortable and happy to go to the next level (whether that’s from dancing to kissing or kissing to cuddling or cuddling to sex). Affirmative, enthusiastic consent clears up any gray areas and makes the sex hotter because you know that both people are really into it.
Why is the onus only on the woman? Sex is a two part responsibility. It is the responsibility of the advancer (man or woman) to ASK for consent and not make assumptions. Once asked, it is the responsibility of the other person to give consent or not give consent.
I think the best solution is education on affirmative, enthusiastic consent. Understanding that consent to one thing means consent to ONLY that thing. Any time you want to escalate from one physical/sexual act to another (e.g. from getting in bed to having sex), then you need to ASK your partner. If your partner clearly wants to have sex as much as you do, they’ll indicate it either verbally or nonverbally and that is consent. We should emphasize that instead of going for the baseline of a barely “yes” or a go along to get along type of response, that we want our partners to clearly want it as much as we do. Then the sex will be consensual and more hot.
How come the sole responsibility is on the woman to say “no.” Partners should ASK each other. Consent to one act does not mean consent to another. Kissing means consent to kissing. Getting in bed means consent to getting in bed. If you want to escalate the situation and have sex, then simply ask. That takes the guesswork out of things. Btw, both partners should do this, not necessarily just the man to the woman. There have been times when my guy was just too tired or stressed out to have sex, but would’ve just gone along with it had I not asked him. I asked him, he said no, and the problem was solved quite easily.
What’s really important to realize when it comes to physical/sexual interactions is that consent to one act does not mean consent to another act. Kissing means consent to kiss and nothing else. Getting in bed means consent to getting in bed and nothing else. Every time you want to escalate the situation (e.g. want to go from getting in bed to having sex), your responsibility is to ASK your partner if they would like to do so. If your partner says yes or otherwise indicates that they would like to have sex, then that is consent. Ideally, we want affirmative, enthusiastic success. That means your partner says yes and is clearly as excited as you are to have sex. After all, who wants to have sex with someone who’s just going along but doesn’t really want to do it? Asking and receiving consent is the legal requirement for consensual sex in some states. Overall, it takes the guesswork out of sexual situations and can even make them more fun. I personally think it’s really hot when my guy asks me if I want to do this or that. And he finds it just as hot when I say “hell yeah” back or something of the like. If I don’t respond or give anything less than enthusiastic consent, then he respects that and doesn’t push me.
What you are saying above is a rape myth. Flirting does not mean consent to have sex. Making out does not mean consent to have sex. Heck, even getting in bed does not mean consent to have sex. Someone could just want to make out for the sake of making out. Or get in bed just to cuddle. And guess what? It’s really easy to find out if someone wants to have sex. All you have to do is ask. If they say yes, there’s your consent. If they are silent, that is not consent. If they look away, that is not consent. If they say no, that is obviously not consent.
I pointed out in my response that BOTH partners should do this, not just the man, and that I have asked my guy before. Whoever wants to escalate the situation should be the one to ask. Asking doesn’t have to be an awkward negotiation. It’s a quick exchange that takes 5 seconds and can even enhance the sexiness of the situation. Instead of approaching sex as “I’ll just push and push and push until my partner indicates “no” or gives in,” we should approach sex as “I really want to have sex. And I also really want my partner to want to have sex without feeling pressured. They may not want to make the situation awkward by saying “no,” so I’m going to ask them what they want.”
Asking isn’t the onus of the guy. It’s the responsibility of the person (guy or woman) who wants to escalate the situation. There are times my guy hasn’t wanted to have sex because he was stressed, tired, etc. If I hadn’t asked him, I wouldn’t have known. Asking is the only way to know what someone wants since, as you pointed out, we can’t read each other’s minds. Instead of pushing, pushing, pushing until someone says (or indicates) “no” or gives in, we should approach sex as: I want to have sex. And I really want my partner to have sex without feeling like I’m pressuring them in any way. So I’m going to ask instead of pushing until they say “no.” In the end, I’d rather be safe than sorry by asking. And asking CAN be sexy. I think it’s a total turn-on when my guy asks me. If you still think that asking is un-sexy, it’s not as un-sexy (or rapey) as just assuming that the other person wants the same thing as you do and then pushing them too far.
How come it’s the responsibility of the woman to not drink in order to protect herself? While I think responsible drinking is important, I don’t think that’s the main take-away here. Instead of telling women not to drink and then blaming them when someone takes advantage of them, how about we tell men to not take advantage of drunk women? Someone who is wasted, black-out drunk, etc, they cannot give consent. Someone should not take advantage of that for their own immediate gratification.
Whoever is advancing the physical/sexual situation (in this case a man) should ask their partner whether they want to as well. This is how we currently approach sex: Keep pushing for what you want until the other person says no or gives in. How we should approach it: I really want to have sex. But I really need to make sure that’s what my partner wants too. There’s no way for me to read their mind. So I’m going to ask.
I agree that girls need to speak up. But guys also need to ASK. Everyone is saying that girls need to speak up because guys cannot read our minds. That’s really problematic because it’s saying that the guy should just push and push and push until the girl either says no or gives in. How we should approach sex is: We want our partners to want sex just as much as we do. The only way we can know if our partner wants sex is by ASKING. If my partner gives me anything less than enthusiastic, affirmative consent, then I’m not going to push them. Because their security and happiness is more important than my short-term gratification.
Actually, there is a way for guys to know what we want without having to read our minds. It’s called ASKING. It clears up any gray areas by preventing the situation from escalating without the other person wanting it to. It also makes the sex hotter because you know that both partners really want it.
Under some state law definitions, this would be rape. In these definitions, the person who is advancing the sexual relations must ASK their partner for consent and receive consent before proceeding from one physical/sexual act to another. I’m not going to tell you how you should label or not label your experience. I’m just saying that, under some definitions, it could be identified as rape. What’s perhaps more important than the nitty gritty of legal definitions of rape is how we talk about sex, consent, and responsibility and how we approach it in real life. It seems like a lot of the commenters are saying “this scenario is definitely not rape, the woman should have indicated that she didn’t want to have sex.” To them I ask: why is it just the woman’s responsibility to say no? Why isn’t it the man’s responsibility to ask their partner if she wants to have sex? (Btw, this could also be vice versa when it comes to gender. It’s just that in the scenario in the article, the man was the one making the advances.) Instead of approaching sexual relations in a way where the advancer keeps on physically pushing their partner until they say no or give in, we should approach sex as a platform of respect and mutual ENTHUSIASTIC consent where each partner makes sure that the other is both comfortable and happy to go to the next level (whether that’s from dancing to kissing or kissing to cuddling or cuddling to sex). Affirmative, enthusiastic consent clears up any gray areas and makes the sex hotter because you know that both people are really into it.
Why is the onus only on the woman? Sex is a two part responsibility. It is the responsibility of the advancer (man or woman) to ASK for consent and not make assumptions. Once asked, it is the responsibility of the other person to give consent or not give consent.
I think the best solution is education on affirmative, enthusiastic consent. Understanding that consent to one thing means consent to ONLY that thing. Any time you want to escalate from one physical/sexual act to another (e.g. from getting in bed to having sex), then you need to ASK your partner. If your partner clearly wants to have sex as much as you do, they’ll indicate it either verbally or nonverbally and that is consent. We should emphasize that instead of going for the baseline of a barely “yes” or a go along to get along type of response, that we want our partners to clearly want it as much as we do. Then the sex will be consensual and more hot.
How come the sole responsibility is on the woman to say “no.” Partners should ASK each other. Consent to one act does not mean consent to another. Kissing means consent to kissing. Getting in bed means consent to getting in bed. If you want to escalate the situation and have sex, then simply ask. That takes the guesswork out of things. Btw, both partners should do this, not necessarily just the man to the woman. There have been times when my guy was just too tired or stressed out to have sex, but would’ve just gone along with it had I not asked him. I asked him, he said no, and the problem was solved quite easily.
What’s really important to realize when it comes to physical/sexual interactions is that consent to one act does not mean consent to another act. Kissing means consent to kiss and nothing else. Getting in bed means consent to getting in bed and nothing else. Every time you want to escalate the situation (e.g. want to go from getting in bed to having sex), your responsibility is to ASK your partner if they would like to do so. If your partner says yes or otherwise indicates that they would like to have sex, then that is consent. Ideally, we want affirmative, enthusiastic success. That means your partner says yes and is clearly as excited as you are to have sex. After all, who wants to have sex with someone who’s just going along but doesn’t really want to do it? Asking and receiving consent is the legal requirement for consensual sex in some states. Overall, it takes the guesswork out of sexual situations and can even make them more fun. I personally think it’s really hot when my guy asks me if I want to do this or that. And he finds it just as hot when I say “hell yeah” back or something of the like. If I don’t respond or give anything less than enthusiastic consent, then he respects that and doesn’t push me.
What you are saying above is a rape myth. Flirting does not mean consent to have sex. Making out does not mean consent to have sex. Heck, even getting in bed does not mean consent to have sex. Someone could just want to make out for the sake of making out. Or get in bed just to cuddle. And guess what? It’s really easy to find out if someone wants to have sex. All you have to do is ask. If they say yes, there’s your consent. If they are silent, that is not consent. If they look away, that is not consent. If they say no, that is obviously not consent.