There are a few really good moments of sex. First, everything leading up to it. The flirty texts, the endless flow of innuendos, the steamy looks you send to each other across the crowded, college bar — it’s all constant foreplay. Then, the actual foreplay is usually pretty good (oral, table for two, please). The orgasm, if you get one, is usually not the worst thing to ever happen to you in the world.
Then, of course, the main reason most of us deal with penetration and/or getting naked with another person is, of course, the free food.
Getting food after a bang-sesh is as important, if not more so than the bang-sesh itself. And it’s not even for the reasons you might think. Sure, you’re famished after your intense 7-30 minute sex workout. The alcohol in your system is begging for cheese and future you in sending telepathic messages about the hangover you’ll experience tomorrow if you don’t get carbs in your system ASAP. But it turns out, what you choose as your post-sex meal can make or break your pseudo-relationship (bum bum bummmm).
46 percent of single Millennials find a fling more attractive if they are into certain foods. And the top food they’d like a potential partner to be into is — you guessed it — pizza. Following pizza (which got 59 percent of votes) was ice cream (50 percent), then pasta (44 percent) and tacos (43 percent).
Now, this is just based on one night stands, but the only way to turn that into a more routine thing is to not fuck up when picking the food. When he asks what you want, go for a classic pizza like pepperoni, and don’t get into any stupid pineapple debates. It’s a lame conversation and everyone knows pineapple is fine on pizza. It has been on pizza forever. Calm down. Just be sure to go into the bathroom to eat your pizza so he doesn’t have to watch you because a loud chewer (or someone who chews with their mouth open) was deemed the most unattractive quality when having food after coitus. You know, other than the fact that you’re sitting naked in a rando’s bed while pizza grease seeps into your pores. Still, if you’re a *really* loud chewer, maybe wait until he falls asleep to eat, then have all of the pizza, grab a few twenties out of his wallet, and disappear into the night.
The other recorded unattractive quality was gorging on junk food or alcohol, but fuck it. Who are they to judge? You’re trying to get laid, not win a fucking beauty contest.
So, if you plan to never see the other person again, I’d say chalk it up as a loss and have him get you whatever you’re in the mood for. Sure, eating an entire plate of baby back ribs in his bed while using the comforter his mom got him as a napkin might not be the way to land a relationship, but it is the way to get a $30 meal for free with an orgasm as an appetizer. Not a bad price..
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