The best birthday card isn’t a Hallmark. It’s a fake. TSM.

It’s easy to forget the things you don’t remember. TSM.

Vocally apologizing to your liver before entering a party. TSM.

I just want world peace and a bigger booty. TSM.

This dress will buy itself back in free drinks, right? TSM.

Getting a fraternity to help you move in. TSM.

Taking shots every time you see your ex, at his fraternity’s social. TSM.

Recruitment: horrible blisters and incredible new sisters. TSM.

True friendship is shotgunning beers over FaceTime when you can’t be together. TSM.

You can tell a lot about a girl by the size of her wine glass. TSM.