It’s safe to say that 2016 has been the absolute worst. With the high hopes that we have for a better 2017, let’s leave these horrific beauty trends behind. In 50 years, you’ll want to show people photos of you in college, when you were still young and hot; and personally, I would much rather have them staring at my still-perky boobs than my stupid makeup.
This has to be the first on the list, since 2016 has been the year of the unicorn (f*ck regular zodiac signs). While a little bit can give you that cutesy, Zooey Deschanel aesthetic, we have collectivity gone overboard with the trend. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but shaping your hair into a horn is probably the reason you didn’t get a boyfriend (or laid) in 2016.
2. Putting Anything on Your Nails Besides Nail Polish
If you have to follow a hideous nail trend, do a statement nail. Gluing fur, succulents, pom poms, or anything else that you can find in your sorority’s craft closest needs to stop. Not only do they look downright stupid, but they must be impractical too, and not in that cute way that stiletto nails are (where your boyfriend is basically forced to act like your personal slave) but in a how-the-hell-do-I-eat-with-fur-coming-out-of-my-nails way.
3. Contouring Every Inch of Your Body
Look, if you have enough time to contour your ears, you should definitely consider getting a hobby (or at least a cat). If I’m going to be blatantly honest here, 99% of the girls I see who are heavily contoured aren’t doing it right. If you’re not Kylie Jenner, surrounded by makeup artists, and occasionally pretending to be one yourself, you more than likely just look like a mess with too much bronzer on. There’s an even higher chance of looking like a little kid who got into their mother’s makeup when you smear it all over your body.
4. Cheetos Bronzer
When I first heard of this product, I thought that it was a sad joke made by makeup-haters who believe that all girls who wear bronzer must look like Snooki. Unfortunately, I was wrong. Your favorite drunk food company has released a bronzer in their signature orange hue, that usually stains my fingers for days (a reminder of my caloric shame)… so imagine what it would look like on your face.
5. Novelty Highlighters
In my opinion, highlighters have been the best trend to come out of the bleak year of 2016. Glowing to the gods is a great distraction from all of the atrocities listed above. However, novelty highlighters have to go. You may think that your new pizza highlighter is fun and quirky in the packaging, but when you’re walking around with it on your face, you just look like you have a sparkly red stripe across your face. Unless you want to tell everyone that you used a pizza highlighter (and risk looking like an asshole, and confusing everyone over the age of 25), just stop.
6. Overdone Eyebrows
I bet you think that I’m going to bitch about the way that girls overfill their eyebrows, right? Nope. Coming from someone who literally looks like an alien without any brow makeup, I am all for filling your brows, and saying f*ck you to anyone who tries to tell you otherwise. However, using your own hair to fill in your brows? That is an entirely different story. Imagine finding out that this was your roommate? I would be phoning campus security ASAP, in fear of being her next eyebrow hair, unwilling, donor.
7. 100 Layers Makeup Challenge
This was fascinating to watch the first time it happened in the sort of way that you can’t look away from a car crash or your drunk friend phoning her ex-boyfriend 50 times. But just like everything else in 2016, things were taken too far. Think of all of the wasted makeup! The inevitable acne! I doubt my face would ever feel clean again.
I love glitter just as much as the next girl, but even I know when enough is enough. It’s time that we leave the glitter alone until special occasions (such as running into your ex), and use it sparingly on our lids. Save your roots and eyebrows from the inevitable mess, both physically (it really is a bitch to clean up) and mentally, because, chances are, if someone is asked to pick out the crazy in the room, they’ll be pointing right at the girl who is busy dumping glitter on her head..