How to Lose a Guy in 10 Ways

Being a Psycho…Openly

I’m not the first person to ever mention that guys don’t like it when you are clingy, or naggy, or overly-jealous, or throw unnecessary emotional bitchfits. It’s no news that you shouldn’t do this. But I will mention that these things are clearly in our nature, and guys expect it from us. If you’ve never yelled at your boyfriend for liking a girl’s facebook status, congratulations, you’re not a psycho…I’m also curious where you’ve left your ovaries and if that location has vacancies available for mine, because I literally convinced my old boyfriend that if he didn’t give me all of his passwords it meant he didn’t love me, called 17 times in a row until he picked up, and gotten him to apologize to me when he found out his facebook notifications were automatically updating onto my computer and then cried for an hour because he apologized wrong. NEWSFLASH: guys don’t like these things. So don’t do it! At first, that is. My philosophy is that you’re not going to be able to suppress your psychotic urges forever. It comes in varying degrees (I’d put it on a scale from 1 to combo-of-Teresa-Giudice’s-prostitution-whore-flip-out-and-Brittany-Spears’-head-shaving-era). But there is good news: you really only have to hide the crazy until he says the L-word. Once he’s in love with you, you’re allowed to do these things. He will EXPECT it from you. For real. I’m probably like a 9 on the Crazy Scale, and no guy has ever left me for being crazy, they’ve all said it, but they stuck around…because I hid it until he loved me. Smart. As long as you let him see all the good things first, and you don’t ever let your crazy be the only thing he sees, he’ll probably just ignore your bitchfits until you’re done, and wait until the estrogen has decided to take a Xanax trip for long enough to make it up to him with an apologetic blow job. But seriously…not until he loves you. I can’t stress that enough.

***Note: I’m not sure how sound this advice is for ugly girls. I’m almost certain you can’t ever be crazy at all unless you’re hot and really good in bed.

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at

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