Seven Unicorn Foods That Shouldn’t Exist

Seven Unicorn Foods That Shouldn't Exist

Unicorns are undoubtedly the worst thing to happen to 2017. If it wasn’t already bad enough to see every white girl putting on her makeup with unicorn brushes, using the excuse of the unicorn to add additional calories to their morning coffees, and adding the emoji to their Instagram username, the damn mythical creatures are starting to ruin all that is sacred: food.

The internet is no longer a safe place. I can’t find peace in my social media timelines without seeing a recipe for a way to magically ruin food, and girls who have had a hard time making anything but drunk Kraft Dinner attempting to follow them. Here are the absolute worst unicorn food and drink trends out there.

If you try any of these, I’m going to pray that a unicorn tramples you.

Unicorn Cocktails

I never thought that there would be a way to ruin alcohol… until this. If I see one more post this summer on how to make unicorn drinks, I’ll have a breakdown and post a Youtube video of me crying “leave alcohol alone.” Trust me on this one, girls: no matter how cute you think you may look holding your unicorn cocktail for an Instagram photo, there’s a good chance that you won’t look as cute in that bikini pic you were planning on posting next time you went to the beach. As much as you don’t want to believe it, alcohol does have calories, and adding excessive amounts of whipped cream, cotton candy and “unicorn” isn’t making it any better.

Unicorn Noodles

This looks like the creation of a five-year-old who was left unsupervised for the first time in the kitchen. Except this is way too complicated to be created by a five-year-old. To be honest, it seems too complicated to be created by a twenty-year-old. If you spend what I can only assume to be hours carefully dyeing and staging your noodles, you really need to get laid.

Unicorn Toast

Excuse me but @vibrantandpure invented unicorn toast…and it's breakfast time…stands to reason #unicorntoast

A post shared by Yellow balloons & Cha-cha (@vintage_apple_pie) on

What’s the most basic food? Toast. What’s the most basic food for basic bitches? Unicorn toast. There’s only so much you can do to the blandest food alive, so if you’re making unicorn toast, there’s a good chance that it’s for the ‘gram (just like every other unicorn-inspired food). While I might double tap your extravagant AF noodles, toast will always be toast, and, unicorn or not, it’s just not magical.

Unicorn Sushi

For the love of everything good and holy in this world, why would you ruin sushi? Is plain old sushi not trendy anymore? Did some sort of Pinterest food become more popular once Paris Hilton stopped being spotted at Nobu by the paparazzi? Let’s make sushi great again… and not by involving fucking unicorns.

Unicorn Grilled Cheese

The whole point of grilled cheese is that it’s supposed to be easy. No girl is captioning a photo of melted cheese between two slices of bread “wifey material” and if she is, I hope her standards are as bad as her cooking. I’m not here to comment on grilled cheese. I can only appreciate and love what is quite possibly the easiest and most effective ways to get melted cheese immediately into your body. Do you know what’s not easy and uncomplicated? Carefully dyeing your cheese all the colors of the rainbow. Guess what? Unicorn grilled cheese is actually probably less likely to impress that frat guy you were hoping to lure in with your ~kitchen skillz.~

Unicorn Pizza

This quite possibly might be the most millennial food to exist. At this point, I doubt that you’re even allowed to be considered a twenty-something if you don’t regularly brag about your love of pizza and unicorns on social media. Personally, I would rather keep the carbs and cut the cuteness. Be thankful for what you have, and just enjoy a slice of regular, greasy, post-bar ‘za.

Unicorn Frappuccino

I'm nothing if not on-trend. #StopWhiteGirls

A post shared by Veronica Ruckh (@veronicaruckh) on

The ridiculous frappe that started all of this madness. I blame you, Starbucks.

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Hiding from my mother and standards, both of whom would disown me if they heard most of these stories. Aspiring law school student, with a chihuahua named Bruiser and a head of unnatural blonde hair. Email me your "crazy" stories or any mixed drink recipes that taste like juice, but have copious amounts of vodka in them at [email protected] Watch the bitch behind these stories at:

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