Let me boss your pledges around so I know it’s real. TSM.

Calling your dad and telling him you “need” money, when really, you’re just going to the liquor store. TSM.

Having a pink pepper spray dispenser. TSM.

Last night: 8,457. Me: -2. TSM.

Being a boss bitch, not a basic one. TSM.

When your profile picture featuring your brand new little breaks your “like” record on Facebook. TSM.

More excited about the theme than the party. TSM.

Philanthropy events are like the gym. You don’t want to go, but once you’re there, you feel pretty good about yourself. TSM.

College is the biggest tease. It’s like, “Go make your best friends!” Then four years later, “Now everybody move away from each other!” TSM.

I’m not saying I’m a psychic or anything, but judging by my matching bra and panties, it’s going to be a good night. TSM.