J Parks Caldwell (Matriarch)

J Parks Caldwell (@J_ParksCaldwell ) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems.

Member Since 09/16/2013

From Michigan

  • JParks 12 years ago on Miley Cyrus Had a Nervous Breakdown

    Could have always went with the catch-all title “Miley Cyrus Had a Nervous Breakdown Because She’s a Woman, and as We All Know, Women are Scientifically-Inclined to be Batshit Insane,” but, on second thought, I guess your title’s a lot shorter, and rolls off the tongue much better.

    Carry on, and forget I said anything.

    -4
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  • JParks 12 years ago on Fail Friday: Super Nips

    What I was thinking after about 90 seconds into the video:

    Not in a box.
    Not with a fox.
    Not in a house.
    Not with a mouse.
    I would not eat them here or there.
    I would not eat them anywhere.
    I would not eat green eggs and ham.
    I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

    -9
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  • JParksCaldwell1855 12 years ago on Fail Friday: It's Recruitment, Not Rush

    You should probably confirm your sources before you obsessively write 10 times throughout a website on articles that have not been read by anyone in over a month that someone has taken their own life. You would make a poor journalist, but there is real potential for you on cable news, which thrives in sensationalism, slander, and spicy salami sandwiches. I realize that the inclusion of spiced meats might not make a whole lot of sense, but I’m a big fan of alliteration. I hope you don’t mind.

    2
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  • JParksCaldwell1855 12 years ago on Fail Friday: It's Recruitment, Not Rush

    That was awfully nice and caring of them. I wonder how they were able to obtain her password. Maybe they had a super close relationship that was very open. Or maybe she asked them from the flaming bowels of the earth to protect her tweets via Instant Messaging. I used to love AIM. As a kid, it was very easy to go on their adult chatrooms and get nudey pics. Granted most of the time, I was probably talking to 50 year old men pretending to be women. Hey, what doesn’t rape us only makes our anuses stronger.

    The funny thing about protected tweets is that, even if you make your account private,
    1) it doesn’t affect people who already follow that person (lucky me)
    2) even if you don’t already follow a protected person’s account, their tweets still show up in a search que. See, protection never has a 100% success rate. That’s why I don’t wear condoms.

    35
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  • JParksCaldwell1855 12 years ago on Fail Friday: It's Recruitment, Not Rush

    It’s pretty crazy; since the time I wrote that, her account has become protected. Apparently, hell’s WiFi signal is better than the one I had in my fraternity house. Our WiFi signal was always the worst around 1:00AM. That much traffic made watching RedTube a real pain in the ass. You have no idea how frustrating it is trying to jack off to fetish Japanese eel porn when the video stops to buffer every 90 seconds. If I were an eel, I’d be afraid to go near a microwave.

    -The guy who she quoted who stuck up for her and said “women are insane” at the end of her video.

    27
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  • JParksCaldwell1855 12 years ago on Fail Friday: It's Recruitment, Not Rush

    ^ If that’s true (and I have no reason to doubt you; hell, I’m all for population control. There’s too many mouths to feed as it is), it’s pretty impressive that she’s been sending tweets from the grave from the twitter account listed on her youtube page.

    I wonder how the WiFi connection is in hell. If I ever got a psychic, I’d totally have him summon Ghandi so I could ask him that question. That, and what’s the deal with Hindus and cows. I wonder if they worship Rosanne Barr.

    11
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