When I said retaliated, that guy took me out of all projects saying performance is not good and the reat of the management noticed that odd behavior as I was one of the top performers and clients requested me to be on their projects. Work used to come just because I will be handling it, but despised me for every thing I am and was.
I hear you when I read this article and created an account just to give my views. I am working professional, in my late 30’s. I come from an Asian country. I did face abuse as a kid, from cousin who touched my vagina , and I did not know it was wrong. A neighbor who did the same and I still did not know it’s wrong, but was not comfortable. Both times, I did not speak. I was meek as a kid and we did not have this education back then where I come from. I learnt about abuse when I was an adult. But there was an incident when I was in college that made me speak up for first time and every time from then. A neighbor stole my dress somehow. I was looking for the dress and it ended up in his bedroom. We were living in apartments and apartments there are different from here. And we also hang the clothes outside. That’s when I felt humiliation and it’s my mother who told me that it’s not my fault that it happened and there is nothing to feel ashamed of. Later, a distant relative cane home and tried to flirt with my mother. That person was well into his 70’s and my mother is his wife’s cousin’s wife. My father , when he learnt it, asked that person to not to come home again or even come near by. It was his support for my mother that made me think that we should open up otherwise we will never get the support.
However, years later, when I was working, something else happened. My manager, when we went for outing with team, grabbed a piece of food that I was eating from my plate and gave me a price that he was eating. As per our culture, a married man cannot behave that way with a young woman. That’s the way you behave with your spouse. I was shocked as I did not expect it. And then he started bullying me at work, trying to make me do things I was not ready to do, threatening indirectly that he would give me name as a flirt and that I slept with other men. Again, as per our culture, sex before marriage is not allowed and a big taboo. Its not that we dont do it, but I never had sex till then and I was 28. The men he was referring to are my professional friends and one became a pers ok al friend too later. I discussed this with the person who happens to be my personal friend now and then a colleague and another team manager where I worked when help was required in completing tasks. This person made me realise that it’s not ok to let this behavior go un noticed. I also had the boss of this manager visiting us from abroad and he was also a good friend though we had our differences at work. He noticed this behavior too and he, together with the other guy made complain. I was thinking if I did wrong or if I got his meaning wrong. But , as they said, it was not my fault and i should not let it go. being men, they stood by me, knowing well the controversy they will be dragged into. Controversies happened, at the end, there were many that blamed me, but I did complain and the management asked him to leave. He was removed from projects and given time to find another. Ofcourse, a person in management retaliated later by doing the same for me.
I did have my affairs, but it’s all with consent. Simple thing I learnt is, when there is no consent, no one can touch you, even spouse should move away of we say no. No one but ourselves have a right to touch our body anytime. I teach the same for my kids. I have boys, but even for them, they can get raped or someone can make them do things wrong.
Your doubts are right and good that you shared as I am sure you would be relieved a little bit.
Now, years later, I am glad I did speak up when I did and infact I told my mother about my cousin and neighbor. She understood and supported me. Sometimes, it’s not easy to speak when you get a feeling that you may not be trusted or you may not get support.
Next time someone does something to you when you say no, any girl, they should dare to hit the sensitive area and teach a lesson. I live in USA now, and I do work with little kids back home teaching them what is not appropriate behavior. I started with my little cousin and I do it.
“When you are in doubt, give that benefit of doubt for yourself. Not to the other person. You are important for you, not the other person in situations where your honor is concerned. “. That what I tell them. No one can decide who we are or make us do what we don’t want to do. Be it a male or a female, it’s same rule
I just wanted to say that I was really excited to see this article pop up on my timeline because I’ve been having the same problem. About a year ago I drunkenly bursted into my friend’s room one night crying that I had just been raped. In the morning I convinced myself the alcohol just made me overreact and since the guy was cute it could be worse. It wasn’t until several months later when he was arrested for raping several other girls that I started to reconsider. I keep looking at other moments in my life and reconsidering if it was really my fault. I’m glad I’m not alone in this and people are finally talking about it.
Also I got extra excited when I saw this was written by THE Veronica Ruckh. Shoutout to OCC, The Nights Rewatch, and Sturgill and please continue to give them shit when they talk sports because it literally makes less sense than dothraki.
Just made an account to disagree strongly with account below that includes “permission to touch me before you can” belief is a very damaged person who will never enjoy passion.“
Nope, legally, a person touching another person is assault. Doesn’t matter the age——and that’s what we need to teach all people, beginning from that age. In the same way that a person sticking an erect penis into someone else that is too drunk to consent is rape.
I empathize with the author because I, too, hesitate to describe myself as having been raped—but after friends, the police, and college staff supported me and listened to me, I accepted that sexual assault takes many more forms than the type we immediately think about—violent, from a stranger. That is a MINORITY of cases, but the randomness of it makes us feel safe—stay away from strangers and you won’t get raped.
You are brave to process and share this; all those accounts are disturbing and I hope you are well now. Your hesitancy is the same hesitancy that many educated women with violent partners feel—we’re too smart for this to happen to us! But it does, and we’ve got to start talking to young men, boys, about the truth.
Remember that statistics show that rapists commit that act an average of 14 times. This has nothing to do with you and your reactions; swimsuits don’t just fall off. Some people are just bad with boundaries, and our society reinforces their agency.
I literally signed up just to help you clarify your doubts. The way you’ve written this article very much seems like you’re on the fence. When it comes to these things, only the facts can help you figure out what actually happened:
1) If the man flashed you, then that was wrong. He was wrong. If his swimwear slipped then it was an accident. At such a young age, it’d be hard for you to know either way for sure but you did the right thing. I wouldn’t feel any guilt about the incident but I wouldn’t post #MeToo about it.
2) You even admitted you wanted that sort of male attention but when you got it you changed your mind. That isn’t assault since you clarified he felt bad and stopped. It isn’t his fault since you said you were flirting with him. He obviously misread the signs. He wasn’t trying to assault you. And anyone under the “you must ask permission to touch me before you can” belief is a very damaged person who will never enjoy passion. Don’t ruin your passion because of things like this. You were young though. you both were. Not your fault even if you did mislead him. And certainly not what I’d consider sexual assault. Not #MeToo
3) Your choice of words “We were very drunk” makes me wonder why you’d then say “technically” raped. If you both were too drunk to consent then how can it only be him that raped? That being said, I believe based on the rest of your context that was simply you trying to minimize. I don’t think he was nearly as drunk as you. I think he was aware of what he was doing and you obviously blacked out. If that’s the case, then say #MeToo because you were raped.
4) Abuse and rape plain and simple. Withdrawing consent is something everyone has the right to do.
I literally made an account just so I could say that I’ve felt this same way for such a long time, and I still do. I know things have happened to me that weren’t okay, that there were men deciding to put their pleasure and amusement over my safety or right to say no, but I don’t feel like I’m “allowed” to say that I’m a victim or a survivor or anything. Because while I know the things that happened weren’t okay, I still can’t decide whether they really count, if that even makes sense. With the #metoo trend, I almost want to publicly detail out the things that have happened and let someone else validate those experiences as assault, but then I get scared that what I went through doesn’t really count, and that I’ll be taking away from people who have been through “real” assaults by implying that what happened to me was just as bad. So, I don’t really know where that leaves me, but I did really want to say thank you for this article because it lets me know that I’m not alone in feeling these things, even if I’m still not at a point yet where I know what to do or how to address the things that happened to me. Thank you for speaking out, because it’s definitely something you’re not alone in.
Your #metoo is completely valid whether you feel comfortable posting it on Facebook or not. It took years of therapy for me to stomach my own and fully relinquish responsibility for what those men did to me. It feels easier to shoulder some of the blame for those experiences rather than admit you had no control over those men’s actions. To me, that’s the scariest part- not that bad things happen, but knowing no matter what I did, I couldn’t stop them.
Anyway, thank you for sharing your story. Your feelings, experience, and reactions are totally valid and worthy of #metoo.
I hope you find support and comfort from your friends, families, and the other ladies that read this article.
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When I said retaliated, that guy took me out of all projects saying performance is not good and the reat of the management noticed that odd behavior as I was one of the top performers and clients requested me to be on their projects. Work used to come just because I will be handling it, but despised me for every thing I am and was.
I hear you when I read this article and created an account just to give my views. I am working professional, in my late 30’s. I come from an Asian country. I did face abuse as a kid, from cousin who touched my vagina , and I did not know it was wrong. A neighbor who did the same and I still did not know it’s wrong, but was not comfortable. Both times, I did not speak. I was meek as a kid and we did not have this education back then where I come from. I learnt about abuse when I was an adult. But there was an incident when I was in college that made me speak up for first time and every time from then. A neighbor stole my dress somehow. I was looking for the dress and it ended up in his bedroom. We were living in apartments and apartments there are different from here. And we also hang the clothes outside. That’s when I felt humiliation and it’s my mother who told me that it’s not my fault that it happened and there is nothing to feel ashamed of. Later, a distant relative cane home and tried to flirt with my mother. That person was well into his 70’s and my mother is his wife’s cousin’s wife. My father , when he learnt it, asked that person to not to come home again or even come near by. It was his support for my mother that made me think that we should open up otherwise we will never get the support.
However, years later, when I was working, something else happened. My manager, when we went for outing with team, grabbed a piece of food that I was eating from my plate and gave me a price that he was eating. As per our culture, a married man cannot behave that way with a young woman. That’s the way you behave with your spouse. I was shocked as I did not expect it. And then he started bullying me at work, trying to make me do things I was not ready to do, threatening indirectly that he would give me name as a flirt and that I slept with other men. Again, as per our culture, sex before marriage is not allowed and a big taboo. Its not that we dont do it, but I never had sex till then and I was 28. The men he was referring to are my professional friends and one became a pers ok al friend too later. I discussed this with the person who happens to be my personal friend now and then a colleague and another team manager where I worked when help was required in completing tasks. This person made me realise that it’s not ok to let this behavior go un noticed. I also had the boss of this manager visiting us from abroad and he was also a good friend though we had our differences at work. He noticed this behavior too and he, together with the other guy made complain. I was thinking if I did wrong or if I got his meaning wrong. But , as they said, it was not my fault and i should not let it go. being men, they stood by me, knowing well the controversy they will be dragged into. Controversies happened, at the end, there were many that blamed me, but I did complain and the management asked him to leave. He was removed from projects and given time to find another. Ofcourse, a person in management retaliated later by doing the same for me.
I did have my affairs, but it’s all with consent. Simple thing I learnt is, when there is no consent, no one can touch you, even spouse should move away of we say no. No one but ourselves have a right to touch our body anytime. I teach the same for my kids. I have boys, but even for them, they can get raped or someone can make them do things wrong.
Your doubts are right and good that you shared as I am sure you would be relieved a little bit.
Now, years later, I am glad I did speak up when I did and infact I told my mother about my cousin and neighbor. She understood and supported me. Sometimes, it’s not easy to speak when you get a feeling that you may not be trusted or you may not get support.
Next time someone does something to you when you say no, any girl, they should dare to hit the sensitive area and teach a lesson. I live in USA now, and I do work with little kids back home teaching them what is not appropriate behavior. I started with my little cousin and I do it.
“When you are in doubt, give that benefit of doubt for yourself. Not to the other person. You are important for you, not the other person in situations where your honor is concerned. “. That what I tell them. No one can decide who we are or make us do what we don’t want to do. Be it a male or a female, it’s same rule
I just wanted to say that I was really excited to see this article pop up on my timeline because I’ve been having the same problem. About a year ago I drunkenly bursted into my friend’s room one night crying that I had just been raped. In the morning I convinced myself the alcohol just made me overreact and since the guy was cute it could be worse. It wasn’t until several months later when he was arrested for raping several other girls that I started to reconsider. I keep looking at other moments in my life and reconsidering if it was really my fault. I’m glad I’m not alone in this and people are finally talking about it.
Also I got extra excited when I saw this was written by THE Veronica Ruckh. Shoutout to OCC, The Nights Rewatch, and Sturgill and please continue to give them shit when they talk sports because it literally makes less sense than dothraki.
This author is not asking for a ruling; all of these are assault/rape, and she is sharing the emotional complexity of her experience.
Just made an account to disagree strongly with account below that includes “permission to touch me before you can” belief is a very damaged person who will never enjoy passion.“
Nope, legally, a person touching another person is assault. Doesn’t matter the age——and that’s what we need to teach all people, beginning from that age. In the same way that a person sticking an erect penis into someone else that is too drunk to consent is rape.
I empathize with the author because I, too, hesitate to describe myself as having been raped—but after friends, the police, and college staff supported me and listened to me, I accepted that sexual assault takes many more forms than the type we immediately think about—violent, from a stranger. That is a MINORITY of cases, but the randomness of it makes us feel safe—stay away from strangers and you won’t get raped.
You are brave to process and share this; all those accounts are disturbing and I hope you are well now. Your hesitancy is the same hesitancy that many educated women with violent partners feel—we’re too smart for this to happen to us! But it does, and we’ve got to start talking to young men, boys, about the truth.
Remember that statistics show that rapists commit that act an average of 14 times. This has nothing to do with you and your reactions; swimsuits don’t just fall off. Some people are just bad with boundaries, and our society reinforces their agency.
I literally signed up just to help you clarify your doubts. The way you’ve written this article very much seems like you’re on the fence. When it comes to these things, only the facts can help you figure out what actually happened:
1) If the man flashed you, then that was wrong. He was wrong. If his swimwear slipped then it was an accident. At such a young age, it’d be hard for you to know either way for sure but you did the right thing. I wouldn’t feel any guilt about the incident but I wouldn’t post #MeToo about it.
2) You even admitted you wanted that sort of male attention but when you got it you changed your mind. That isn’t assault since you clarified he felt bad and stopped. It isn’t his fault since you said you were flirting with him. He obviously misread the signs. He wasn’t trying to assault you. And anyone under the “you must ask permission to touch me before you can” belief is a very damaged person who will never enjoy passion. Don’t ruin your passion because of things like this. You were young though. you both were. Not your fault even if you did mislead him. And certainly not what I’d consider sexual assault. Not #MeToo
3) Your choice of words “We were very drunk” makes me wonder why you’d then say “technically” raped. If you both were too drunk to consent then how can it only be him that raped? That being said, I believe based on the rest of your context that was simply you trying to minimize. I don’t think he was nearly as drunk as you. I think he was aware of what he was doing and you obviously blacked out. If that’s the case, then say #MeToo because you were raped.
4) Abuse and rape plain and simple. Withdrawing consent is something everyone has the right to do.
I literally made an account just so I could say that I’ve felt this same way for such a long time, and I still do. I know things have happened to me that weren’t okay, that there were men deciding to put their pleasure and amusement over my safety or right to say no, but I don’t feel like I’m “allowed” to say that I’m a victim or a survivor or anything. Because while I know the things that happened weren’t okay, I still can’t decide whether they really count, if that even makes sense. With the #metoo trend, I almost want to publicly detail out the things that have happened and let someone else validate those experiences as assault, but then I get scared that what I went through doesn’t really count, and that I’ll be taking away from people who have been through “real” assaults by implying that what happened to me was just as bad. So, I don’t really know where that leaves me, but I did really want to say thank you for this article because it lets me know that I’m not alone in feeling these things, even if I’m still not at a point yet where I know what to do or how to address the things that happened to me. Thank you for speaking out, because it’s definitely something you’re not alone in.
Your #metoo is completely valid whether you feel comfortable posting it on Facebook or not. It took years of therapy for me to stomach my own and fully relinquish responsibility for what those men did to me. It feels easier to shoulder some of the blame for those experiences rather than admit you had no control over those men’s actions. To me, that’s the scariest part- not that bad things happen, but knowing no matter what I did, I couldn’t stop them.
Anyway, thank you for sharing your story. Your feelings, experience, and reactions are totally valid and worthy of #metoo.
I hope you find support and comfort from your friends, families, and the other ladies that read this article.
If they do, I’m fasho calling the kid “John-ye”
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TRUE!! Italian guys are super creepy
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Sage the Gemini
Wait but who was it ??
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WTF?
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I fucking screamed in public.
[…] is the drink of the most basic of basic bitches,” Total Sorority Girl declared in Oct. 2014. “Devout PSL drinkers are getting their orders from some kind of […]