New York's Hottest Club is wherever I am. Haters to the front, hunky Sailors to the back.
Bow down betches.
Follow this bitch on Twitter @StefonTSM
StefonTSM@iCloud.com
Great, another reason to be jealous of Australians, in addition to the fact that their entire populace is hot, stupid surfer dudes with ripped abs and not a brain in their beautiful, long-haired heads.
Is there also a disorder for making your TSM picture the same pic of you and your big that every effing Sorostitute at every college across the country from SEA TO SHINING SEA has?
If so, like Usher says, “U Got It Baaaaaaaaaaaaaad.”
1.) Yes it does. You’re just doing it wrong.
2.) Wear a hazmat suit, you baby. “Sanitary.” You know what else isn’t “sanitary?” CHILDBIRTH BETCH. (We’ll come back to that later)
3.) We should ALL be so lucky, sister.
4.) What fun is sex without the risk of e.Coli? Ever heard of a condom?
5.) What’s that? I can’t hear you over the sound of stinky girl farts. Trust me, girls fart. Ever been in a sorority house after a 2 AM Taco Bell run? Hoo-wee, you need a tent over the house like they’re spraying for insects.
6.) Pshh. Doctors. What do THEY know?
7.) Using your imagination can be fun!
8.) You show me a physicist that doesn’t enjoy butt stuff and I’ll show you a physicist that’s full of shit. See what I did there?
9.) “Shot through the butt, and you’re to blame, you give sex a bad name!”
10.) That’s the single-most romantic thing I’ve ever heard. You can have me.
11.) Where do you think it goes, Narnia?
12.) You should make street sign panties. Bet you’d sell millions.
13.) “Yoga for Takin’ the Old Dirt Road” has a nice ring to it.
14.) DEFINITELY don’t think about your parents doing butt stuff. It would be gross if you thought about your parents doing butt stuff. I’d never want you to think about your parents doing butt stuff.
15.) What the heck is lube?
16.) Girl, if you’re that high strung, you need some Fraaaaaaanzia. A bag of wine should do the trick.
17.) “Men in Brown?”
18.) I once found enough in there to order CinnaStix. Best day ever!
19.) Golf Metaphors. TFM.
20.) Last I checked, swimming pools don’t go all “10 Plagues” on you and run red once a month. Guh-ross.
“The Babe Lincoln” — Easily the most basic bitch in the place. Can be spotted passed out on a couch in a puddle of her own vomit and excrement within 10 minutes of the party starting. A danger to herself and others. This is the betch you wanna party with.
Great, another reason to be jealous of Australians, in addition to the fact that their entire populace is hot, stupid surfer dudes with ripped abs and not a brain in their beautiful, long-haired heads.
Sigh. Those summer nights.
“If you drink this brand-new ‘Teavana® Oprah Chai Tea Latte,’ everyone in the audience at Starbucks IS GONNA GET DIARRRHEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!
YOU’RE GETTING DIARRHEA!!
YOU’RE GETTING DIARRHEA!!!”
Braces are a nice American fashion I wish they’d pick up across the pond.
Is there also a disorder for making your TSM picture the same pic of you and your big that every effing Sorostitute at every college across the country from SEA TO SHINING SEA has?
If so, like Usher says, “U Got It Baaaaaaaaaaaaaad.”
Good LORD it’s like you KNOW ME! Like you just GET ME, y’know?
Ugh, you could grate cheese off of those goddamn abs.
I would eat a mile of his s**t just to see where it came from. God Blessssss America.
Awww samesies betch.
1.) Yes it does. You’re just doing it wrong.
2.) Wear a hazmat suit, you baby. “Sanitary.” You know what else isn’t “sanitary?” CHILDBIRTH BETCH. (We’ll come back to that later)
3.) We should ALL be so lucky, sister.
4.) What fun is sex without the risk of e.Coli? Ever heard of a condom?
5.) What’s that? I can’t hear you over the sound of stinky girl farts. Trust me, girls fart. Ever been in a sorority house after a 2 AM Taco Bell run? Hoo-wee, you need a tent over the house like they’re spraying for insects.
6.) Pshh. Doctors. What do THEY know?
7.) Using your imagination can be fun!
8.) You show me a physicist that doesn’t enjoy butt stuff and I’ll show you a physicist that’s full of shit. See what I did there?
9.) “Shot through the butt, and you’re to blame, you give sex a bad name!”
10.) That’s the single-most romantic thing I’ve ever heard. You can have me.
11.) Where do you think it goes, Narnia?
12.) You should make street sign panties. Bet you’d sell millions.
13.) “Yoga for Takin’ the Old Dirt Road” has a nice ring to it.
14.) DEFINITELY don’t think about your parents doing butt stuff. It would be gross if you thought about your parents doing butt stuff. I’d never want you to think about your parents doing butt stuff.
15.) What the heck is lube?
16.) Girl, if you’re that high strung, you need some Fraaaaaaanzia. A bag of wine should do the trick.
17.) “Men in Brown?”
18.) I once found enough in there to order CinnaStix. Best day ever!
19.) Golf Metaphors. TFM.
20.) Last I checked, swimming pools don’t go all “10 Plagues” on you and run red once a month. Guh-ross.
Raccoon Eye makeup. TSM.
Fleur de Lilly is flawless. One time she punched me in the c**t. It was awesome.
A picture of Two-Face? I’d rather see TSM put up a pic of “Two Heads.” 😉
I vote for Diet Dr. Pepper.
Because I’m OUTRAGEOUS.
They’re tacky and horrible just like your writing.
Pro Tip: No birth control necessary when you do it in the butt.
Think about it.
You are what you eat, after all. 😉
“The Babe Lincoln” — Easily the most basic bitch in the place. Can be spotted passed out on a couch in a puddle of her own vomit and excrement within 10 minutes of the party starting. A danger to herself and others. This is the betch you wanna party with.
Ugh there’s too much menstruation going on in this column. I’m out before the bears start showing up.
Does it also track which people just go through your spring break pictures and beat off?
That might be some pretty useful intel. Might help you find your next boyfriend.
Why did you need over a thousand words when you could’ve just said “Pussy” and been done with it?
Someone’s trying to get laid.
I’ve made a few Irishmen “disappear” at a party in my day, but they just wind up in my bed the next morning.